i had to share this because: #1 it was fairly accurate in describing my personality type, and it would be insight for others on me..

#2 it brought me a good laugh

#3 it said "whoever wants to win you needs a tremendous amount of patience and staying power" when describing "my love"... and that made me laugh. really hard.

for a while I was really frustrated and slightly bitter, but I've realized I can trust that there will be something on the other side if I'm faithful because God is even more consistent and faithful than I am =) for a while, I thought I was lacking, but I've realized I'm not incomplete. That I don't need someone else or something else to be complete, to feel whole.
 
Maybe I'm a work in progress. But it's more like I'm complete for this moment and over time I'm more complete... more refined, perhaps.

I must admit Mark West...or life rather, in general, has left me feeling slightly bitter and frustrated with all the dead ends I seem to keep on hitting -_- I'm about to give up with looking for a job because it's just leaving me feeling really, really burned. At the same time, I feel guilty for feeling this way because I know, I haven't really given up as much as other people may have had in pursuing whatever God has in store. In the long term things'll be more than okay, but for now the short term sucks.. and has me.. in a I really know anymore, God -place... especially with some of the late night conversations, I've been having lately. I have a feeling, I have a really long, narrow, and really hard road ahead of me. I wish I were not bitter, and my heart to match God's but right now, I'm failing miserably...because my heart wants something else =( but that's another topic for another day.

The point is... ATCO is a no - go, which was in line with what I was thinking, pre-applying. Then I was going to look into a couple days a week at a nursing home, but yeah... I'll leave that at that. So sad, even the supermarket by my house rejected me. Yeah -_- I learned the lesson... of being honest. Maybe I should be conniving like everyone else and I'll move up T.T' I actually go offered a position, and then at Mark West, I got a phone call about how it wasn't going to work out. That was... a really not cool day -_- I think I'm a little bit too good at hiding when I'm really dying on the inside =( And last night I emailed my old manager from Second Cup, asking whether or not she was looking to hire for the summer, and in response... she told me that she was in the process of selling the shop, which was...painful. But she did pass on a killer reference to the new owner, so we'll see... I don't know. Maybe God's trying to tell me something... to stop selling myself so short. Or to just not work this summer, and trust that He will provide for me the next school term -_- but... yeah, that's not cool.

I don't really know anymore. I think I was in a really bitter, and dark place last night. Perhaps, that's why I ended up having a 4-5 hour conversation about kids, death, relationships, calling, family, marriage, what it would look like to follow God with reckless abandon and everything... and all the costs -_- and then had a bitchfest about other people's logic. I felt better after, but now I feel like it activated a part of my brain that I would have preferred to have left inactive. I don't know. I'm kind of bitter in the sense that I feel like God, I'm trying.. can't you see that? I'm trying so hard, and it's only getting harder and harder.. because more and more doors are being shut; things are slowly being taken away, and Your faithfulness, I'm not really seeing at the moment -_- Part of me feels like I'm doing everything for nothing, even though I know that's not true... but at the moment, I'm having a hard time.. Maybe it is an issue of pride, and not having a job makes me feel really ashamed, so maybe it's a character thing... and it really sucks but... yeah.

By the way, this is not my MarkWest update... that will be coming eventually... once I finish compiling! =)

oh *sigh* I feel like a super busy business woman with a job that requires me working overtime all the time, who's trying to make time to plan my own wedding. Minus the glaring details that I don't have a job that requires me working overtime all the time, nor am I planning a wedding because...that's just not happening anytime soon -- I'm just busy -_-'

I feel like that after I somehow managed to double book myself the 13th -_-... I finally landed an interview with the missions board people, and I screw it up. How wonderful, Kim... just wonderful. And not to mention, I just secured a job for myself this summer also. At least training/working shouldn't be something fixed to that date/time... I hope.  -___- I feel like I such a poor memory now... or I don't know.. it seems to be a recurring thing to keep double booking myself for things. Haha, I'd like to see me try to plan my own wedding, or well.. not really. I might be super stressed and slap someone, and it wouldn't me ...lol, because I don't slap myself?

oh dear. now my parents think i'm depressed -___- which I'm definitely not by the way. I'm stuck in a slightly insomnia-like sleep pattern because I've been sleeping super late due to studying, packing, or ... talking, but mostly the two former and not so much the latter . My parents think I'm depressed because some people moved back home -_- and because of my fundraising...and also because I have been having much difficulty finding a job because I will be in China for a month. And I guess those things are slightly sad, or frustrating, but... they're not enough to make me depressed -_- it's not like someone died or the end of the world. Not having a job -- I don't know. I suppose I'm a bit too calm, in trusting God will provide. I don't know... I'm happy with the decision, I made. Yeah, maybe I won't be making 10k this summer, but that's okay,. I think I'll gain so much more... even if it's not something that has direct monetary value, it's something that has so much eternal value.

Although, I don't know if I should correct them, lol, and just let them keep thinking there are reasons for my being slightly reclusive. Otherwise, they might be slightly annoyed, I'm being so quiet and unsocial for no reason. -_- I really thought after 22 years, they would have realized this by now, that every once in a while, I need some recharge time and hate being asked question after question... especially when they're asking arbitrary information about other people.. or in general, really pointless questions that don't seem like they have anything to do with anything -_- and having the answers wouldn't really change anything bring any insight...I don't think. Oh sigh...

In not to significant news, this week I learned the lesson of being blatant about things in order to clarify/fix them, even when it runs the risk of making yourself look like a complete who knows what. It's painful/hard/scary to ask exactly what you mean without making it sound less... invasive, for lack of a better word. It's... not fun openly asking someone if they're interested in you when you're acting based on assumption and not proven fact/events (actually events is debatable..cause I had some pretty obvious evidence. I just live by some ignore the things that happen and pretend I don't notice -- perhaps they'll go away, principle. In hindsight though, it doesn't work; it escalates and makes it worse). I think it's true, more so, when you're not interested in them, or rather I don't know about the converse of that statement from my own experience so I won't go there.

So whether or not you already know... if not, you know now =O... this past week I've been receiving phone calls/texts/messages on fb about hanging out with person x on different days every time, which is why I've been all... waaaah I hope my phone doesn't ring or freak out everytime is does until I see who is actually calling me. Yay, for call display. Today it escalated to hanging out doing x and y, and I was thinking on how I would evade x and y this time. Clearly, I'm the master of excuses when I'm uninterested. If I really cared about someone, I'd always have time or if I actually was busy, I'd feel bad and try my hardest to set another time.

So anyhow, for a while I was just speculating, and hoping things would be less on high alert. I thought that maybe I was being overly paranoid and it was nothing, or that it was just his english, and I misunderstood completely, but turns out my intuition was correct. Damn my intuition. It's right far too often. I wonder if it's a self-fulfilling thing, I hope not. But any way, I ended up responding to that message about not being interested in hanging out and said something about trying to become my "friend" or whatever too fast and it's better to get to know me in less direct ways. And then I felt bad, cause I don't want people to have a kim's a heartless bitch perception of me =/ ... perhaps I do care what others think of me, but that's besides the point, at the moment. So I ended up emailing an apology because I felt like it was rude and I should clarify. I also feel bad because this is clearly not something that should be settled over text-message -_- it's like breaking up with someone via text message, it makes me feel very rude =/ But I made it worse because my apology was supposed to be sorry if I sounded harsh, that it wasn't my intention to hurt feelings but I just wanted to clarify that I wasn't being vile intentionally, and if I misunderstood anything to clarify. I don't know.. I wasn't exactly apologizing for what I said, content-wise per se because I meant that, I just was apologizing for being harsh? Is that the same thing... who knows? I guess they're not one in the same because after I apologized, he replied -_- and everyone I showed the reply to said the same thing to me -- that I didn't get my 'I'm-not-interested-period, so dont waste time waiting' message across.. because everyone asked thought he responded saying in short 'okay, I'll wait for you.. and how it takes time to develop. But I think it's mostly, clarified now, I hope. I'm afraid to speak too soon.

And that is how I learned the painful lesson of saying what I mean and not saying things that sound nicer hoping people would foolow my train of thought...because apparently, that's misleading and draws up false hope.

The last week or so has made me think about serving others, how we love because God first loved us.. and how that often gets really distorted and interpreted as something else, but I'm too tired to explain what I'm thinking about... so tomorrow... or well today... or another day, perhaps.

today i almost had an FML moment -_- ...because I woke up on time, studied a bit, so far so good. I was planning to take the bus that would come by at 12:58-ish, and then get to Heritage to get on the 43 -- the bus that goes directly to the university, and if all went as planned arrive just after 1:30 with time to spare before my 2pm exam. Usually, I leave the house at 12:50 and I have plenty of time to spare since the stop is  just off my street, so that's what happened.

So I lock the door, strolling down the street, as usual and watch the bus go by.. and in alarm I say some not so wonderful four letter words (that normally, I would have the willpower to keep to myself), quite loudly might I add. So the bus was quite far away, and I wasn't about to chase it. So there I am still walking down the street, relatively calm. I think it's one of those moments where crappy moment after crappy moment and there's no increased negative reaction anymore. I end up walking to out of the community I live in to the major intersection because there isn't any other option. I could continue to stand at the stop, but another bus wouldn't come for another half an hour.. and I would definitely arrive 30 minutes too late to my exam (which in retrospect would have been okay because I actually finished the exam in ~30-45minutes).

I was going to wait for the 49 to come by, and then continue to take the 3 bus way to campus while stopping at all possible bus terminals -_- But luckily, another bus came by ... I had never seen it before, but it stopped and it said Heritage, and got on. And for a second, I was thinking four letter words, four letter words... because it turned into black mud creek, and I started to wonder if the bus would go the long, long way to Heritage. But it didn't... thankfully. I ended up still catching the 43...not sure if it's the same one, but regardless.. I got to the university just after 1:30 as planned.. but for a good 20 minutes, I couldn't breathe.

A little bit scatterbrained. I can't put things together in a cohesive package, but I need to unload my thoughts every once in a while. It's like once I write them down I can stop holding them in my RAM and wasting space.. although that's assuming I'm a computer, or perhaps a robot. I'm not sure why I always relate myself to machines. I'd never noticed and someone pointed it out. I also think my brain is always running some insane algorithm half the time ...maybe all the time -_- it's a wonder my brain hasn't blown up yet.

I feel like i'm already living in the future even when it has not come yet. i'm slowly becoming just a teensy bit stressed. Ignorance is bliss. Knowing too much about everyone/everything messes with your perception of people or things in general, less things/people to worry about, and not to mention you just have to be a little bit more careful when talking to others because you can't let anything slip. Everyone enjoys telling me their thoughts on everything these days.

I've seen how destructive/painful and I think that's enough to scare me out of wanting to be in any relationship for a while...although I already decided that a few months ago. And part of me also came to an understanding recently why God has allowed me to stay in the slow boat in terms of those kinds of relationships... painful, yet true =/ God's not spiteful... =) I hope not anyway. Thing is, if I were to have that fulfilled (because for me, that is kind of like my only, last request. Yes, a ridiculous amount of weight is placed on that... for no good reason), I'd end up settling. I'd just be content with the way life were, not take any risks, and never stop to really question what I'm supposed to do with my life... if God has something better - something else He's called me to. And therefore, live a boring life -- i'd get married <-> have a job <-> have kids/be a mother ...and do whatever.

And I think God is really really (x infinity) not done with me yet. I can see a lot of areas in my life where I have potential to grow abundantly... maybe exponentially, and if  Ihad that extra baggage, it'd just get in the way. I think I have to walk this road alone... for now. Not in the I won't have friends who care about me sense... in the other sense =P God can't work in me/through me/with me if people...or person's rather are blocking His view...or my view rather. LOL

And then... although it's great I realize that, there's the other side too...it's not like because I know that, all of a sudden my heart's just shut off and I don't feel anything or don't want anything. Sometimes it gets pretty effing lonely >< but I'll just leave it at that. But I think, the more I listen to others vent about their own lives.. I feel better. Not that they're going through crap =/ but I think it's a result of being focused on things other than myself, so I forget about my own stuff.

***

I'm not sure how I come encounter with such weird characters, and on another note... why I always attract odd ones. I must be an odd one, as well? But I think I will stick to the pretend it's nothing and keep walking because I really don't want to know. please don't send me random videos on youtube =( ...or well it wasn't random...just ai yah ><  *shakes head*

***

and I'm a bit miffed on the amount of studying i've done in the last week. Pretty close to non-existent. I wrote my first exam and I did okay... I crammed all last night til 3am... and was the 3rd person out of the room before the 'smarter' people in my class. God took pity on me...my choosing to stay up to listen to some people speak countless nights in a row instead of studying. Oh sigh...

***

and i realized, I act very un-finance-like in terms of dispersing my information/what's going on with me -_- I feel like I'm making naked investments. Like I'm putting all my eggs in one basket and have no sort of back up plan, so that if things happen contrary to what I think, I'm not screwed.

I hate that right decisions can still be painful at times... in the short term anyhow. In a way, I'm glad that the decision was made for me. no job = mark west, but then in a sense that creates a lot of issues for me next year aka the big hole that will be my bank account...except I already decided a while ago and didn't need the decision to be made for me. I kind of feel like I just sold off stocks to prevent further losses, and therefore my losses have just been realized T.T I guess that means I will be supermarket bound ^_^ ... take what I can get and hope/trust that God will provide enough for next year because I really don't know. And that my parents really don't kill me. I haven't told them about Mark West and Ask Kamp.. or I have, but not both at the same time, so I'm not sure what they're thinking... if they are both separate entities or one in the same. Oh China, you cause me so many other issues, but that's okay. On the upside, now maybe I'll have more free time to meet up with people in terms of fundraising.